An Open Letter to Rex Ryan (From a Die-Hard Bronco Fan and Tim Tebow Apologist)

First of all, yes, I haven't posted anything in a long time.  I really have no excuses to give, so let's just move on the the important matter at hand:

Dear Mr. Rex Ryan

     First of all let me start by commending you for your work ethic and football knowledge.  You have obviously worked very hard to get to where you are, and have actually had reasonable success during your tenure as the coach of the New York Jets.  Unfortunately I have an issue.  Something that needs to be said and is likely on the mind of many other people too.  You may wonder why you are receiving a letter form a Denver Bronco fan, but if you think about it a little harder you'll be able to put together the puzzle pieces and see what this is about; our old friend Timothy Richard Tebow.  

He's praying that he can play for a team that actually wants him, Rex.

     

A Film-Noir Explanation As To Why I Haven't Written Anything In the Blog

TAKEN FROM THE DETECTIVE'S NOTEBOOK OF NICHOLAS ERIC WALKER

     I woke up from another fruitless nap.  Sleep had not been kind of late.  In fact, life itself had served me up one mean left hook after another.  I was hot, sweat dripped from my brow as I pulled myself out of my bed.  What time was it?  3:00, 4:00?  Did it even matter?  I made my way to the sink and splashed some tap water on my face.  The cold shock brought me back to reality.  I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing a slender reflection that definitely needed some shaving cream and a razor.

     I pulled open the blinds as I made my way into the front room.  The Riviera definitely isn't the Ritz, but it's a place to call home and lay down my pillow.  I looked outside at the thick steam rising from the streets sidewalks and streets, and stopped to wonder why thick fog was rising from the streets of Provo, UT.  That's when I realized that my life had turned into a 1930s detective movie, and I started to reflect.

PICTURED: NOT PROVO, UTAH

   

Cheetah Hunting

This is a little bit of a departure from what I normally write here. You won't find any lists or witty pop culture references. This is just a short story that I wrote, and ended up feeling pretty good about. It's about a highly fictionalized version of myself doing battle with a completely realistic cheetah. Hope you enjoy!

5 Hated Movies That Weren't As Bad As People Say

     Wow.  It's been a long time.  Returning to college life and being caught up in that has turned me into a lazy writer.  When Zach "The Model of Inconsistency" Walker posted earlier this week, that really woke me up.  If he can I can!  So rather than continue to ramble, I'll get right to it.
     Movies.  I love them.  You love them.  Even your grumpy old neighbor across the street loves him some old John Wayne movies.  Some are bad, some are good, but there are some that just seem to get picked on an awful lot.  Now granted, many deserve criticism, but others I feel are unjustly slammed.  This is my list of movies that are generally hated by the public that I enjoyed.  I will defend the undefendable, give voice to these poor films that can't speak for themselves, and enrage many of you haters that just love to hate.  These movies are by no means perfect (actually not even close) but don't deserve to be the hate magnets they've become.  (Copy-cat disclaimer: This was not my idea, I saw it on another website and ever since then many others have also done it.  Sometimes I just can't think of good ideas okay.)

5. The Star Wars Prequels

Fight A Shark: The Rebuttal

Friends, Romans, and Countrymen. Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song. And unlike some YouTube sensations, I won't sing out of key. You too can get by with a little help from me, your friend, if you heed my words. You may have heard about the raging debate going on the past few weeks. The question was whether or not it is better or not to fight a shark or a crocodile. Hopefully your first instinct is, "No question, keep the shark away from me and bring on the crocodile." Some of you, such as a certain Austin Crezee may think it over and reason with yourself that you'd rather fight a crocodile than a shark. There's even some of you who may think, "You know what, sharks are big wussies. I can take one." To both those camps, I tell you that you are wrong. Let me explain why.

Why I'd Fight a Shark- By Austin Crezee

     Greetings loyal readers!  The results of our poll are officiallly in, and it looks like most people would want to fight the crocodile.  In fact, I was shocked at all that someone even voted for the fight with the great white (rhyme; unintentional).  I thought about writing an open letter to said individual asking them to explain their position, but then I found out it was none other than Austin Crezee, recently returned from his mission to the glorious South.  He has agreed to explain why he would rather fight a great white shark, as opposed to a Nile crocodile.  So this week you barely have to hear from me at all!  Hooray for you!  Feel free to weigh in on who you would take in the comments!

________________________________________________________________________

     Upon returning home from my mission I ran across a blog on the internet debating about the dangers of the Great White Shark and the Nile Crocodile. I leaned back in my chair and pondered the question, “Would you rather fight off a great white shark in the ocean, or take your chances with a Nile crocodile in the Nile?” I felt that the answer was an obvious one so I check the shark option and called it a day. It was not until a couple days later when I spoke to Mr. Cole Walker and he expressed surprise at my choice of the shark and asked me to explain my thought process. I guess you could say that is why I am here at this moment, to denounce sharks and exalt the all crocodiles of this world, not just the Nile.

     I have decided to break my argument down into three points for you guys to ponder, so here we go…

5 Beatles Songs You Can Try (In Vain) To Find Meaning To

     Ladies and gentlemen, this month is a very important anniversary month.  It was 50 years ago today, that Ringo joined the band to stay.  Okay, it wasn't exactly today, but this is the month where things all got started back in 1962 for the greatest rock and roll band of all time, The Beatles.  John, Paul, and George were already together, but drumming with a fellow named Pete Best.  Long story short, they decided that Pete wasn't cutting it, and fired him to pursue THE GREATEST drummer in Liverpool at that time, Richard Starkey, AKA Ringo Starr.  Ringo joined the band, and a short time later things really took off.  And the rest, as they say, is history.

Glorious, often times strange, history.

SSSSSHHHHAAAAARRRRRKKKK!!!!!!

     Well, Blogsday is going swimmingly, so lets cap things off with a quick post on why this week is one of my favorites of the year.  I am of course, referring to Shark Week.
     So here's three quick points about why I love Shark Week, and why you should too.

Yikes.

Two Things That Give Me All Caps RAGE

Hi everyone, I'm just gonna complain about a few things for a few minutes here. Everything will be negative, and almost all of you will be offended at some point. Just a warning.

Going For The Gold Part III

     All right, you've all been waiting for it, the epic conclusion to my Olympic article that due to laziness turned into two, and shall now be concluded in trilogy fashion.  Still with me?  Good.  Let's do it.  Cue John Williams' Olympic theme.

Baaaaaaaaahhh, baaaaaahhhhhh, bah bum bum bam bum!!!

Today Is Blogsday

     We here at the blog have been very happy with the way things have gone in our first month of existence.  This however, doesn't mean that there isn't potential for "aggressive expansion."  So, in order to inject some life into this here internet rag, we have declared that today is Blogsday.

This very diverse group of models doesn't realize that Blogsday is a fictional holiday.  Don't let this happen to you.

     And to honor Blogsday, we're going to put a lot of stuff on today, of many diverse subjects, so that you can be entertained here for at least 15 whole minutes.  I myself have pledged two articles, and Zach sort of pledged one, which could very well mean zero but here's for hoping right?
     Brace yourselves friends.  Get the like buttons, comments, and pluses ready, because we're about to show you why we're the best blog on the corner.  You're probably all wondering what a plus is.  Well it's in Google +, and let me tell you it is much better than Facebook.  Go ahead and switch now.
     Stay tuned, and have a happy Blogsday.

Going For The Gold Part II (because I'm too tired to think of another idea.)

     Well it's been a week since this blog saw a post, and with good reason.  We concluded our trip to lovely and scenic Montpelier, Idaho, and returned home.  Since then, it's been nothing but moving heavy objects and unpacking boxes as we move into our new house.  More importantly Zach and I have been diligently assembling a new base of operations codenamed "The Batcave-Penthouse" or more simply "The New Batcave."  Last but not least I continue my very important job of standing at a kiosk in the mall and telling people how to get to the Apple Store (Rosetta Stone).  But throughout this period of non-stop go, one thing as remained a constant; the London Olympics!  I do have another one of my patented top-five lists in the oven, but for now lets kill time with more of my nonsensical ramblings on the games.

Prince Harry was stoked when he heard I'd be doing another Olympic article...

Going For The Gold!

     Ladies and Gentlemen the London Olympics are upon us!  To commemorate the occasion we here at the blog have traveled all the way to scenic London, England Montpelier, ID (budget cuts) to cover the festivities!  Due to the last few crazy days of moving from one house to another and traveling from state to state, sleeping on various couches, I've kind of missed a lot.  I'd usually adhered to the belief that the opening ceremonies are boring, so I didn't even attempt to watch.  I should have remembered that these Olympics are in England.  I managed to miss not only the Queen of England and James Bond jumping out of a helicopter, but also my idol singing Hey Jude as the Olympic Cauldron was lit.

How on earth did I miss this?

     But I have seen some good stuff.  Some of my favorites so far have been these stories:

This Is A Battle Song

As I just said, this isn't a review. This won't be funny, dramatic, humorous, or life changing at all. To all of you eagerly expecting an Amazing Spider-Man review, sorry, wait a little longer. There's things in life that are more important than just a movie. I know Cole posted his thoughts on what has happened, but it's still on my mind and there's some things I need to say before I get back to my regular shenanigans. No pictures, no funny captions, no sarcastic insults. Just not right now.

RISE - The Official Review of The Dark Knight Rises

     Okay readers, the moment has finally come.  Please turn off your cell phones, keep hands and feet inside the Batmobile at all times, and refrain from shouting joyous proclamations from the rooftops (there will be time for that later).  Our review of The Dark Knight Rises has arrived!

Note:  You may now begin playing Hans Zimmer's soundtrack in your head.

     Be advised that there may be spoilerish material below; I'll avoid major plot twists, but if you want to go in blind to the story, don't read further.  You've been warned...

A Serious Post For a Serious Time

     Well I promised to write about The Dark Knight Rises, but after the events that took place in the midnight showing in Aurora, CO, twenty minutes down the road from where we were sitting watching the same movie, I haven't felt a whole lot of urgency.  Like everyone else, I've been shocked by the senselessness of what happened.  It hits close to home because of how close it was, and also just because of the circumstances.  Who expects to be in any danger when going to a movie?  What crime has anyone excited enough to see a Batman movie at midnight committed for someone to gun them down?  The whole thing makes no sense.  I don't know what motivated the shooter, but what he did was completely evil.  I hope the media doesn't give him the attention he was clearly seeking.
     So it's been a strange two days that kind of put a sour note on an otherwise amazing experience for me.  Maybe now is not the time to draw a lesson from Batman, but last night Zach showed me a picture on the interwebs that I thought was appropriate.

     What happened was horrible and tragic, but that doesn't mean we can't rise and be greater.  Let's remember the victims by doing something about it.  Whether it be donating to a fund for the victim's families, giving blood, or just being a little kinder, let's all do our best to rise out of tragedy and find greatness.

We're Still Alive!

Greetings loyal reader(s).  You may have noticed that it has been quite a long time since we've updated the old blog.  This is due to a mixture of laziness, lack of ideas, and an incident involving Zach, a can of hairspray, and a match.

Pictured: Not Zach.

5 Great Movies You've Probably Never Heard Of

     Ah movies...they definitely hold a fond place in our hearts.  We here at the blog have spent countless hours arguing having gentlemanly debates about which movies top others, and which can be considered as horrible assaults on our senses (we're looking at you Transformers 2).  I think we can all agree that certain movies are mandatory viewing for everyone, but I also am sure that everyone has a few favorite movies that it seems like only they've seen.  So this is my list of some of my favorites that no one I know has ever heard of.  If you have, then you're probably either over 40, have impeccable taste in movies, or both.

We Is Growing

     Ladies and gentlemen, exciting things are happening here at the blog.  After only three days we've had a slew of views, and I can officially confirm that at least three people besides my mom have seen it!  Whoo-hoo!  Milestones are being passed, expectations met, and momentum is building!  With that being said, a mission statement of sorts is in store.

Why Spider-Man, the Greatest Hero, Shouldn't Date Your Daughters

Dear Cole,
Ray Allen? No one comes to us for sports analysis, unless it has to do with Tim Tebow or... No, just Tim Tebow. They come to us for pop culture buzz and salsa dancing lessons. More specifically, they come to us for information on which superhero is the most awesome. That's how we make the big bucks.

Scrooge McDuck will never pay us for our sports knowledge.

 It's a debate that has raged on for ages, spanning multiple universes, movies, and books. On occasion we get to actually see these heroes fight each other, with awesome results (The Avengers movie, Battle of the Cowl, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, Marvel Civil War, etc.) These fights are both entertaining and frustrating to watch and read. On the one hand, it makes sense that Captain America could beat up Iron Man. On the other hand, why on earth would the cool and groovy Green Lantern lose to the pathetic Silver Surfer? Even if it was Kyle Rayner, it's a ring of unlimited power for goodness sake.

Dear comic writers, this would never happen. Sincerely, smart people.

One hero stands out above the rest though. That hero, my friends, is Spider-Man. He's the greatest hero that has ever been created. Let me explain before all the Batman fans gang tackle me and force me to name my first child Bruce, regardless of gender. Spider-Man, for better or worse, lets his emotions control everything he does. He is the nicest, most polite loose cannon that the superhero world has. His mental instability causes good, such as his extreme reaction to his Uncle's death to become a superhero in the first place. Most people wouldn't react to the death of a father figure by donning tights and covering petty thugs with sticky goop all night, but hey, whatever you need to numb the pain Peter Parker. This impulsiveness also creates stupidity though. He's very malleable, like play-dough. In the Marvel Civil War, Iron Man convinces him to reveal his identity to the world with just a few slick words and some blatant guilt tripping. It seemed that rule number 1 of being a superhero was always the secret identity, but apparently it's safer for everyone if heroes register their identities with a stupid government and do whatever the politicians tell them to do. Also, Spider-Man would never make a deal with the devil, that's the most ridiculous, implausible storyline ever. The government, the devil, and comic book writers are all so stupid.

I'm not bitter about that story at all.

All of that leads to my single, Amazing, Spectacular point though. Spider-Man is the hero that fathers would not want their daughters to date. He's impetuous to a fault, he's never on time, and he's more likely to follow his emotions in the moment than make a rational decision. So to all you dad's out there, if you suspect your daughter is dating Spider-Man, there is really only one course of action.

1. Cover all windows to your daughter's room with oil to repel sticky finger powers, and also electrocute them and set the windows on fire.
2. Lock your daughter in the basement and force her to watch this repeatedly for 12 hours:

That should cure her of any Spider-Man love she might still have. Lastly, buy yourself some combat armor and a shotgun. If your daughter was indeed dating Spider-Man, you have a future of pain and suffering coming. Fathers in the Spider-Man universe have a histroy of not doing so well. Spider-Man's own father died/disappeared/defected/combusted depending on what story you're looking at. His father figure Uncle Ben was shot and bled to death on a run down New York street corner. Most disturbingly though, look at what happens to Spider-Man's girlfriend's dads. Spider-Man girlfriend Mary Jane's father is a raging alcoholic and an implied wife beater, and some times doesn't even exist. And other Spider-Man girlfriend Gwen Stacy's father, George Stacy... Life isn't happy for him. There's death, sorrow, pain, and more death, depending on which story he's in. One common theme though: George is always trying to do the right thing when he dies and/or someone close to him dies. So that's what you have to look forward to fathers. If your daughter is dating Spider-Man, you can try as hard as you want to make things work and be good, and either you or your daughter will inevitably be dropped off a building.

You knew this was coming.

Et Tu, Ray?

     Last night I was met with some rather devastating news.  This was that Ray Allen, my favorite NBA player (he was even referenced in my last post) was leaving the Celtics and jumping on board with the Miami Heat. My immediate reaction can be summed up in this classic scene from a certain movie we all know;

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Hello World!

     Today is truly an historic occasion.  One for the books.  In a bold and stunning move, Cole and Zach Walker are now on the web.  After years of wondering if this whole "internet" thing would stick, the time has finally come.  When asked what finally pushed him over the edge, Zach responded by saying "I'm sick of googling my name and not being in the results list.  It's time I took control of my destiny."  Take control he has.
     So here we are, in very humble beginnings.  For the life of me I can't get the layout of this blog to look even sort of cool, so you're stuck with the turquoise sound wave for now.  Admit it, you kind of like it.  We also struggled to think of a fitting title for the most important blog the internet will see in 2012, so that's also kind of a work in progress.  Expect many changes and improvements in the future.
     Soon I'll write a mission statement for the blog that will be utterly ridiculous, but for now know that this is the part of the internet where our brains are allowed to seep out all the extra goop they have.  You won't find any pattern here, we will rant about whatever we feel about ranting about, whether it be current events, ancient events, movies, music, or how Ray Allen could probably beat Wyatt Earp in a shooting contest.
     Be sure to tune in for more strangeness in the future.