Why Spider-Man, the Greatest Hero, Shouldn't Date Your Daughters

Dear Cole,
Ray Allen? No one comes to us for sports analysis, unless it has to do with Tim Tebow or... No, just Tim Tebow. They come to us for pop culture buzz and salsa dancing lessons. More specifically, they come to us for information on which superhero is the most awesome. That's how we make the big bucks.

Scrooge McDuck will never pay us for our sports knowledge.

 It's a debate that has raged on for ages, spanning multiple universes, movies, and books. On occasion we get to actually see these heroes fight each other, with awesome results (The Avengers movie, Battle of the Cowl, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies, Marvel Civil War, etc.) These fights are both entertaining and frustrating to watch and read. On the one hand, it makes sense that Captain America could beat up Iron Man. On the other hand, why on earth would the cool and groovy Green Lantern lose to the pathetic Silver Surfer? Even if it was Kyle Rayner, it's a ring of unlimited power for goodness sake.

Dear comic writers, this would never happen. Sincerely, smart people.

One hero stands out above the rest though. That hero, my friends, is Spider-Man. He's the greatest hero that has ever been created. Let me explain before all the Batman fans gang tackle me and force me to name my first child Bruce, regardless of gender. Spider-Man, for better or worse, lets his emotions control everything he does. He is the nicest, most polite loose cannon that the superhero world has. His mental instability causes good, such as his extreme reaction to his Uncle's death to become a superhero in the first place. Most people wouldn't react to the death of a father figure by donning tights and covering petty thugs with sticky goop all night, but hey, whatever you need to numb the pain Peter Parker. This impulsiveness also creates stupidity though. He's very malleable, like play-dough. In the Marvel Civil War, Iron Man convinces him to reveal his identity to the world with just a few slick words and some blatant guilt tripping. It seemed that rule number 1 of being a superhero was always the secret identity, but apparently it's safer for everyone if heroes register their identities with a stupid government and do whatever the politicians tell them to do. Also, Spider-Man would never make a deal with the devil, that's the most ridiculous, implausible storyline ever. The government, the devil, and comic book writers are all so stupid.

I'm not bitter about that story at all.

All of that leads to my single, Amazing, Spectacular point though. Spider-Man is the hero that fathers would not want their daughters to date. He's impetuous to a fault, he's never on time, and he's more likely to follow his emotions in the moment than make a rational decision. So to all you dad's out there, if you suspect your daughter is dating Spider-Man, there is really only one course of action.

1. Cover all windows to your daughter's room with oil to repel sticky finger powers, and also electrocute them and set the windows on fire.
2. Lock your daughter in the basement and force her to watch this repeatedly for 12 hours:

That should cure her of any Spider-Man love she might still have. Lastly, buy yourself some combat armor and a shotgun. If your daughter was indeed dating Spider-Man, you have a future of pain and suffering coming. Fathers in the Spider-Man universe have a histroy of not doing so well. Spider-Man's own father died/disappeared/defected/combusted depending on what story you're looking at. His father figure Uncle Ben was shot and bled to death on a run down New York street corner. Most disturbingly though, look at what happens to Spider-Man's girlfriend's dads. Spider-Man girlfriend Mary Jane's father is a raging alcoholic and an implied wife beater, and some times doesn't even exist. And other Spider-Man girlfriend Gwen Stacy's father, George Stacy... Life isn't happy for him. There's death, sorrow, pain, and more death, depending on which story he's in. One common theme though: George is always trying to do the right thing when he dies and/or someone close to him dies. So that's what you have to look forward to fathers. If your daughter is dating Spider-Man, you can try as hard as you want to make things work and be good, and either you or your daughter will inevitably be dropped off a building.

You knew this was coming.