Herro.

Salutations on all!

My name is Matt Webb, and I'm the new _____________ here at the blog. I'm from _________,_________, but I might as well be from ___________ or ___________ I've moved around so much. I really like _________ and _________ but absolutely detest ___________ because as a child __________ hit me right in the __________. Man, that was a traumatizing day.

Well, The Great and Powerful Cole (obligatory Wizard of Oz reference) has permitted me to clog his blog with my garbage, and for that I am thankful. We decided that the time was right for the Internet to experience us as a team, so, after sending me a request to join the blog 5 times, I deemed it appropriate to join him in his endeavor to make the Internet a better place. Or I finally took the 2 seconds it takes to click the accept button. It was one of those two, I can't really remember, point being I write things here now.

Here's to a bright and bloggy 2013

Matt


P.S. for those of you who don't know me, here's an extremely accurate picture:

I dance dance dance and I dance dance dance.

Matt Webb Stacks Things Episode I

     As a preview of the kind of eclectic genius that you will all be privileged to hear from soon, I give you what is hopefully the beginning of a great new web series.  Our friend Matt has many talents, and this video proves that beyond a shadow of a doubt.  We actually took this idea to NBC, but they turned us down, citing "a bizarre premise and lack of real ability."  This from the guys who tried putting a show starring a monkey on TV this season.  I know.  Hilarious.  Anyway, without further ado, I give you Stacking Pokémon!

An Apology to Japan, Anime, and Matt Webb

     I am the average American male.  There are certain images out there that fill my soul with swelling patriotism.  Hot dogs.  Barbecues.  Fireworks.  Burgers.  Eagles.  The Star-Spangled Banner.  And most of all, Ronald Reagan riding the velociraptor of freedom while defending our glorious homeland.

This came from the same text-book as Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, and they both totally happened

   
     However, this love of country has also instilled in me a sometimes narrow viewpoint of the world.  I'm definitely no Imperialist, but I like what I like and often think that things from other countries are strange.  Especially Asian countries.  And especially Japan.

An Open Letter to Rex Ryan (From a Die-Hard Bronco Fan and Tim Tebow Apologist)

First of all, yes, I haven't posted anything in a long time.  I really have no excuses to give, so let's just move on the the important matter at hand:

Dear Mr. Rex Ryan

     First of all let me start by commending you for your work ethic and football knowledge.  You have obviously worked very hard to get to where you are, and have actually had reasonable success during your tenure as the coach of the New York Jets.  Unfortunately I have an issue.  Something that needs to be said and is likely on the mind of many other people too.  You may wonder why you are receiving a letter form a Denver Bronco fan, but if you think about it a little harder you'll be able to put together the puzzle pieces and see what this is about; our old friend Timothy Richard Tebow.  

He's praying that he can play for a team that actually wants him, Rex.

     

A Film-Noir Explanation As To Why I Haven't Written Anything In the Blog

TAKEN FROM THE DETECTIVE'S NOTEBOOK OF NICHOLAS ERIC WALKER

     I woke up from another fruitless nap.  Sleep had not been kind of late.  In fact, life itself had served me up one mean left hook after another.  I was hot, sweat dripped from my brow as I pulled myself out of my bed.  What time was it?  3:00, 4:00?  Did it even matter?  I made my way to the sink and splashed some tap water on my face.  The cold shock brought me back to reality.  I looked at myself in the mirror, seeing a slender reflection that definitely needed some shaving cream and a razor.

     I pulled open the blinds as I made my way into the front room.  The Riviera definitely isn't the Ritz, but it's a place to call home and lay down my pillow.  I looked outside at the thick steam rising from the streets sidewalks and streets, and stopped to wonder why thick fog was rising from the streets of Provo, UT.  That's when I realized that my life had turned into a 1930s detective movie, and I started to reflect.

PICTURED: NOT PROVO, UTAH

   

Cheetah Hunting

This is a little bit of a departure from what I normally write here. You won't find any lists or witty pop culture references. This is just a short story that I wrote, and ended up feeling pretty good about. It's about a highly fictionalized version of myself doing battle with a completely realistic cheetah. Hope you enjoy!

5 Hated Movies That Weren't As Bad As People Say

     Wow.  It's been a long time.  Returning to college life and being caught up in that has turned me into a lazy writer.  When Zach "The Model of Inconsistency" Walker posted earlier this week, that really woke me up.  If he can I can!  So rather than continue to ramble, I'll get right to it.
     Movies.  I love them.  You love them.  Even your grumpy old neighbor across the street loves him some old John Wayne movies.  Some are bad, some are good, but there are some that just seem to get picked on an awful lot.  Now granted, many deserve criticism, but others I feel are unjustly slammed.  This is my list of movies that are generally hated by the public that I enjoyed.  I will defend the undefendable, give voice to these poor films that can't speak for themselves, and enrage many of you haters that just love to hate.  These movies are by no means perfect (actually not even close) but don't deserve to be the hate magnets they've become.  (Copy-cat disclaimer: This was not my idea, I saw it on another website and ever since then many others have also done it.  Sometimes I just can't think of good ideas okay.)

5. The Star Wars Prequels