The Official Elder Zachary James Walker Tribute

     

     Today my brother, best-friend, blog co-founder, and hero went into the MTC to begin his two year volunteer service for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It's been an emotional day because my family bid him farewell for two years.  We'll be able to contact him by email and letters, and talk to him on the phone twice a year, but other than that we won't see him for a long time.  Despite the hard goodbyes, I'm extremely proud of him and have a firm conviction that he is absolutely doing the right thing.
     Any of you who are reading this probably know my brother already, but for those of you who don't, let me paint a picture for you.  Zach has an ability to be true to himself that I have envied for my entire life.  For as long as I've known him (all his life) he has been able to just be himself, and people love that.  Sometimes his disorganization, spaciness and happy-go-lucky attitude have both frustrated and puzzled me, but it has worked out for him.  During this last year, Zach has really grown spiritually, and as a result has become stronger than I have ever seen him.  I've seen God take qualities in him that I always considered weaknesses, and turned them into strengths that leave me without words.
     It wasn't always that way, and that in and of itself is inspirational.  Zach, like all of us, has had ups and downs and done soul searching, and I would bet that his path to missionary service was more challenging than mine and many others.  When he told me about eight months ago that he wanted to serve a mission, I was happy but couldn't help but wonder if he would flake out after a few weeks.  This worry could not have been more off-base.  Zach put his foot down, and did what he knew he needed to do, even though it was hard.  For this I will always admire him.
     As a result of this, I believe Ogden, Utah is about to get one special missionary.  Someone who can relate to people.  Someone who won't be afraid to show them the man behind the nametag.  Someone who will make a joke when needed, or comfort those who need comfort.  Someone who will be able to convincingly apply the Gospel to people's lives, because he has already done so with his own.
     Usually the oldest child is the one that everyone admires and respects.  I readily throw this blessing (or burden) onto Zach's shoulders.  I look up to him.  He is an incredible brother and an amazing example.  I will miss him dearly over the next two years, but will want to shout for joy each day when I think of what he's doing.  When I say that I consider him my hero, I don't say it lightly.  So when you see his Superman mission picture, don't think he's just being goofy.  Superman himself is about to fly to Ogden.  

Zach's Mission Blog

The Day I (almost) Retired From Internetting

I don't know how familiar you all are with Reddit, the purported stupidest page on the internet.  It has hideous page design and is run by a bunch of racist, degenerate losers.

Thus Cole edited my post. What I meant to say, as a glorious return to the blogosphere, was...

Hi. My name is Matt. I like to rollerskate.

I wanted to talk about how I posted a picture of my dachshund Otto to the subreddit /r/dachshund and got over 200 likes, how the only creative outlet for such blatant internet fame is blogging, and that post of my adorable dachshund should prompt my return to blogging but...that's pretty much the story. One could safely assume that after such a victory I could retire from Internetting, but sadly...I can't. I can't leave Brother Cole to man the internet by himself. That's too much for one man, even one of Cole's sneaky post editing caliber. So I won't retire. I'll stay, and we'll batten down the hatches for another round of blogging, because that's what Cole and I do. We _________(insert inspiring phrase).

tl dr my dachshund is cute


Links: http://www.reddit.com/r/Dachshund/comments/1uqd5w/tired_dachshund_is_tired/
          http://imgur.com/zzwJYm8

The Seahawk Phenomenon

     Well, it has been quite a while hasn't it?  To kick off the 2014 revival, I'm going to throw all objectivity out the window and write something a little bit mean, and little bit accusatory.  I've even chosen to write from my blog, where I'm convinced at least 4 people will see it.  Yes, good readers, this won't be a cutesy list or something informative or funny; I'm about to call out a portion of one of the most ravenous NFL fan bases.  The good people of Eastern Washington, who will always hold a special place in my heart, are nothing more than fair-weather, bandwagon Seahawk fans. 

    

"I just wanted everyone to know, that they are mediocre fans.  Like Michael Crabtree." -Richard Sherman

 

 

     Now it may appear that I'm poking an angry hornets nest.  I am.  Maybe I'm just engaging in some pre Super Bowl smacktalk?  Yep, definitely.  Could my inflamed ego and pride as a life-long Broncos fan be a factor in this rant?  I'm going to have to go with yes.  But like the good Richard Sherman, I ask that you not judge me for showing passion in a blog.  He calls out mediocrity, and so shall I.  As he so eloquently stated, it is just a small part of who I am. 

     When I was a lad, growing up in the tumble-weed soaked prairies of Moses Lake, WA, the Seahawks were an absolute non-factor.  Admittedly, they weren't very good at the time, so it would be hard to fault a bunch of kids for not being excited about a crummy team that they've never had good memories with.  That all changed in Super XLI, when Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander led the Hawks to a Super Bowl appearance.  All of the sudden, my friends and people around me in general hopped right on the bandwagon.  This is also totally fair; it's exciting when the state team reaches a championship for the first time in your life.  Where they all crossed the line, in this author's humble opinion, is when the Hawks lost that game and faded back into mediocrity.  With a magical POOF heard all over the Cascade Valley, the Seahawks lost a bunch of fans.  Like our dear friend  Punxsutawney Phil, they retreated back into their holes for the long winter ahead.

 

 

Not Pictured:  fair-weather Seahawk Fans

 

 

     Imagine my surprise when over the last few years, all those "Seahawk Fans" and more came rushing back to get on the boat.  Realizing that their team was good again, everyone starting posting on Facebook, professing their love for their team, and acting interested.  Either they all fell asleep for six years, or they are guilty of extreme bandwagoning.

     Part of being a true fan is sticking with a team no matter what.  Allow me to get on my soapbox.  When I was a kid, my beloved Broncos won two Super Bowls.  In the sixteen years since, it's been a different story.  We've ranged from Kyle Orton-awful to good enough to compete but not to win it all, but mostly we've just been mediocre.  There have been plenty of down years and painful losses.  But you know what?  Ask anyone who knows me and they were say without hesitation that I have stuck with them through thick and thin.  And that makes this Super Bowl that much sweeter.  After years of futility, after last years absolutely heart wrenching loss, the Broncos are back in the Super Bowl and I am proud to say that I was on this ride for the last sixteen years, through good and bad.  And now we're back, and I can't wait to see what happens. 

     So to you Eastern Washington fans, I hope you stick this time.  I hope you have a lifetime ahead of you of liking Seahawks memes on Facebook and showing your Washington pride through thick and thin.  That is what it means to be a fan.  Please don't misunderstand.  Seattle obviously has a legendary fan base, deserving of their 12th man moniker.  I'm not claiming that every resident of the east is fair-weather, but you certainly know who you are because I grew up with you.

     Win or lose next Sunday, I will always and forever be a Broncos fan.  Can all of you say the same about your Seahawks? 





Re-evaluating My Opinion on Star Trek Into Darkness

     A few weeks ago I wrote a post defending Star Trek Into Darkness from some of the critiques it has received from snooty critics and Trekkies.  Yesterday I saw it for a second time when I took my little brother Slade Bartschi Walker (SBW) to see it.  After my second viewing, I have to be completely honest; Star Trek Into Darkness is...

What Really Rustles My Jimmies

Greeting from a couch. Sheldon here! Long time reader, first time blogger. I was delegated the impossible task of listing and explaining (See picture to complete the sentence)

Gear Grinder Numero Uno (Number one)

Have you ever been so into a dream that it feels like real life? Have you ever been sleeping so deep that you feel like you're... Sleeping really deeply? Yeah, me too. It's my favorite past time. I value every minute of sleep and I love every second as if it were my own little 'second' child. I love almost everyone, but if I'm woken up, I'll burn your house down. No questions asked. So many times, my friends have thought it would be funny to barge into my room whilst I'm enjoying a nice, well deserved, nappy-poo. Their funerals were nice and all, but I wish they hadn't given me a reason to murder them. Nothing should come in between me and my bed... Unless it's a 2" memory foam pad.... That can come between me an my bed without any complaints on my end. I'd assume that waking me up is about the equivalent of stealing a cub away from a mommy bear. Why does it bug me so darn much? Probably because I look a little like this when I wake up:

That's just a part of me that I don't want to publicize. Another thing: My breath smells like the inside of a meat cooler that got :unplugged and forgotten about for a week in the heat of an Arizona summer. I've never actually smelled that, but one time when I worked at Quizno's, there was this Chinese restaurant whose owners went back to China for a bit and closed down. I guess something went wong in their establishment, because for some reason their freezer broke down. After about a week the smell of the rotting flesh and veggies became so unbearable that we had to call the authorities. 

#2: THAT'S NOT AN EXIT!!

I notice this the most at WalMart. Mostly because that's the only place besides my room and the theater that I spend time. Ever notice that above the doors, they have "ENTER" and "EXIT" signs? You haven't? Well I guess you're a part of the 98% of the population that ignore it. Why does it irritate me so? I've asked myself this question a lot. It's not like it's a law that you have to abide by or something you'll get hated for if you don't follow, but for some reason, it really rustles my jimmies. 

Third: Not Educated? Don't Open Your Mouth.

I don't mean that if you didn't go to school or have a college degree that you shouldn't speak (although sometimes that might be nice). Have you ever been in a really intense debate with another person, whether it be about politics or about a video game, and the other person clearly has no idea what he or she is talking about? It's obvious that they have no clue what they're talking about, but they still insist on putting in their 10 cents in. That personally drives me crazy. I recently saw a video that fits this topic very well: (Racy language in this one)

Last: Teenagers

Granted, I was once a teenager. I hated them when I was one and I hate them even more now. There are a few that I can stand. A very few. I would tell you all of the cliques of high school that I hate, but I think this clip does it more splendidly: [Video Below] (There are swears in this) They just have cocky attitudes and think they know everything about everything ever! I may have been one of those that knew everything... But that's because I DO! In any case, I still don't like them. Blarglesplech!!

The Last Last One: Mouth Noises

Zachary just reminded me of this one. When you're chewing gum or food, please keep it in your gosh durn'd mouth! I don't want to see it! I don't want to hear it! I don't care if I can hear your chips or cereal; as long as your mouth is closed! Another situation is this: You're in some kind of big conference or meeting and the speaker starts to give his speech. Everything is fine and dandy until you notice that he does something rather strange with his mouth. It happens once, "that's okay, I'll forgive it. It was probably just a nervous habit that he will get over soon." ...It continues. This person is supposed to speak for an hour at the least! It's the only thing you can focus on. Your back tenses up. You feel a sudden blast of heat to your head. You're going to explode! But you can't. That would be messy and very disrespectful. It's times like those that I catch a glimpse of the pain that Jesus must have felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. Saying that might be a little bit of an over exaggeration, but in the moment, it sure doesn't feel like one!

In Defense of Star Trek Into Darkness

     First let me start about by saying that I won't be able to top Zach's last personal, emotional offering.  Alas, I have no long-term relationship to invoke such feelings.  However, I will write about something that makes me nearly as emotional; Star Trek.  Please hold all of your "and he wonders why he doesn't have a girlfriend" insults until the very end.

     

Yes, that includes you two.  

     About two weeks ago, my dad took Zach and I to see a special IMAX 3D showing of Star Trek Into Darkness, a day before I thought it opened.  Still not sure how that happened.  I'd been looking forward to this movie basically since the time I found out about it when I got home from my mission last year.  When all was said and done, all three of us were stunned.  To put it gently, we absolutely loved it.  All the way home we were as giddy as school children, quoting lines back and forth, soaking in the plot and development, and still having our minds boggled by the incredible special effects.  Those of you who know me well will know that I don't say this lightly; I haven't felt like that after leaving a movie since The Dark Knight.  

     For that reason I was puzzled beyond all belief when I heard some not so flattering reviews from the media and even close friends and fellow bloggers (his name rhymes with Watt Mebb).  Then to make matters worse, the movie failed to meet the steep box office expectations that it was faced with, seemingly validating the voice of the critics.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, including me, so I'd like to explain why I thought Star Trek Into Darkness was a perfect 10.

     

1.  CHARACTERS WERE STRONG AND EMOTIONAL

Try as I might I couldn't find a picture of them all together without director J.J. Abrams.  Stop being so selfish J.J.

     One of the strengths of the original Star Trek series was the characters.  Lot's of people like the crews of other TV shows, but for me it doesn't get any better than the original, headlined by Kirk, Spock, and Bones. J.J. Abrams nailed the casting in 2009's Star Trek.  Each and every character is true to the original depiction without being complete mirror images.  I personally loved the little tweaks made here and there, such as a more renegade Kirk and a Spok-Uhura romance.  

     Into Darkness only pushed these characters into great new places.  Last time around we got to see the meeting of all these characters, and this time relationships were furthered in emotional ways.  It was cool to see Spok and Uhura's relationship progress to the fighting and bickering stage, and to see how awkward having an emotional relationship with a Vulcan must be.  Best of all was the progression of the Kirk-Spok bromance.  The appeal of these two has always been the fact that they're almost opposites in how they handle things, but over time have become great friends and an incredibly effective team.  In Into Darkness we saw them start as co-workers beginning to like each other, and by the end got to see their full friendship bloom, culminating in Spok finally calling Kirk "Jim."  Without spoiling anything, the entire moving had many emotional character interactions.  This crew has great chemistry, and you really start to see them as a family that has many differences, but comes together to work for the greater good.

2.  DUMB?  HOW?

Does this look like a stupid face to you?

     A common complaint that I've seen scattered across the internet is that Into Darkness was big and dumb, and had lots of plot holes.  This more than anything is the critique that infuriates me.  Maybe I myself am just dumb (entirely likely) but I found the movie to be thought provoking.  By the end I was thinking about the themes of the movie just as much as the action and effects.  I think a lot of people have fallen into the trap of automatically equating fights and explosions with lack of intelligence.  This can be true (see Transformers 2) but not always.  Into Darkness had a lot going on, I won't argue with that.  From start to finish it was a roller coaster ride of action and plot development, barely giving viewers a chance to breathe.  But that does not mean it was a dumb action movie.  There's a lot more going on.  There were questions about the morality of revenge, regulations vs. conscience, friendship, and dealing with terrorism.  I thought there was actually quite a lot to think about.  

     The plot was not predictable and had me guessing to the very end.  Everything made perfect sense to me, and any seeming plot holes or unbelievable choices can be explained by the inexperience of the young crew. As for the homage to a certain famous old Star Trek movie, I loved it.  Some people were bothered, but I thought it was a clever and well-done reference to what came before, especially since the movie being paid tribute to is widely considered the Star Trek holy grail.  It also goes along perfectly with J.J. Abrams parallel reality idea; this crew and timeline will be different from the original, but a lot of what happened to the original crew can and should happen, with slight tweaks and variations.  

     And lets not forget that when Star Trek tries to get too cerebral and brainy, this happens.

Bleh.  

3.  UNDENIABLY FUN

     Maybe the strongest argument for Into Darkness is that it's a total blast.  This movie is an incredible mixture of action, emotion, effects, and humor.  Sound familiar?  The Avengers is a similar fun experience, and I would argue that Into Darkness gives you a lot more to think about.  Characters like Scotty and Bones are hilarious, space battles are intense, and physical confrontations are pulse-pounding and brutal.  By my reasoning, there's only three possible explanations as to how someone could walk away from this movie with a negative impression; 1.  Like my beloved mother, they just don't like Star Trek.  2.  They went in looking to do nothing but critique.  3.  They drank a huge bottle of pickle juice right before hand.  

 

"Now I'm ready to go see that stupid spaceship movie..."

     Star Trek Into Darkness was a fantastic movie, and by far the best that I've seen this year (and dare I say it, better than anything in the last few years).  I personally invite all within the sound of my keyboard to explain to me otherwise.

The Five Stages of Breakup Grief (In Song!)

NOTE: This article is completely tongue-in-cheek. Please don't read it and take it seriously. Otherwise you'll just get depressed and run off to live with that monkey you've always wanted to.

Long story short, my longtime girlfriend recently dumped me. It's been a rough few days. I've been through a pretty big whirlwind of emotions, and if it weren't for my great friends here at college, I'd probably be half-naked running around Green River right now...

You don't know where Green River is? Are you kidding me? It's only the swankiest place in Sweetwater County.

Seriously, check it out its majesty.

All jokes aside, I really do wish my now ex-girlfriend the best. I miss her, I want to still be a part of her life, and I think she's an amazing person. To be completely honest, I wish we were still together, and I'd be back together in a heartbeat if I could. But that's not what she needs, so sadly we can't. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's move on to the good stuff. Music is scientifically proven to be better at helping you through a breakup than any other type of fiber. Since I've been a depressed shell of a man the past few days, I've spent a lot of time thinking about my... feelings, and stuff. I've come up with what I consider to be the FIVE STAGES OF BREAKUP GRIEF, and I've added a song to each stage in order to help all of you lovestruck readers get through your inconsolable sadness. Speaking of inconsolable sadness...

1. INCONSOLABLE SADNESS: The bed is my only friend.

The first stage is a bit like getting a fever. And the only prescription, is to collapse. You wake up the morning after being dumped, and suddenly every single limb feels like there is a small child attached to it. The shower beckons to wash off the morning stink, but alas, 'tis no use. You lay in bed for a few extra minutes. It feels nice. While it seems like the world is crashing down around you, you remember that despite that, you've got a bed. And gosh darn it, it sure is comfy. You decide the bed deserves a massage, and you fix its sheets and maybe even wash them. The bed sure has been good to you, always there to lap up your salty tears when the Nuggets lost, or after a particularly emotional episode of Smash.

Seriously. Why would you cancel Katherine McPhee...

Before you even realize, it's 4:00 in the afternoon, and you haven't moved. You have... no texts to read, because you've been dumped, loser. Finally the bed, being the good friend it is, motions towards the shower. It's time. You get up, reluctantly. The knob for the shower smiles, as if to say... We know your pain. Many others have come here, searching for answers. You may not find them. Regardless, we can at least drown out your teenage girl sobs and provide nice background noise as you listen to Adele.

The shower slowly goes on for a few more hours, until it becomes hard to distinguish the water coming out of the nozzle and the water coming out of your eyes like geysers. Eventually, the shower slowly begins to make the water colder and colder, as if to tell you that it's time to slowly get out and do something else. You turn of the shower and give it a warm hug. You thank it for all that it has done, then step out into the world again. You look around, a bit confused over what to do next, when out of the corner of your eye... There is the bed. With arms wide open, waiting for you to come back and cuddle again. Thus, the cycle repeats.

This stage was really hard for me. I felt like a bum whenever I'd turn down invitations from friends to party, or whenever I'd go another Fruit By the Foot binge (record- 60 in a row). There's two songs that I feel really fit the mood of this stage. The first is a lovely little ditty called "Islands" by one of my favorite bands, Young the Giant Another is "Black" by Pearl Jam. Much like this stage in real life, the songs are repetitive, and don't really make much sense to the outside world. It's hard to understand them until you find yourself in a situation that demands them. Both are songs you have to be in the mood for. In the end, both the singers, too sad to even use words anymore, resorts to a haunting oooh over the music fading out slowly. In real life, sometimes there isn't a definitive end to being sad. It eventually just gets quieter and quieter, till you can finally move on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ca7z8ymdQ6c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cs-XZ_dN4Hc

2. HYSTERICAL WHAT-IF'S: Oh no! She knows I think Spider-Man would beat up Batman!

If you're worried that the rest of this column will be long and drawn out, don't. The first stage is by far the hardest, and really needed the most instructions on how to get out. It's much like watching Napoleon Dynamite. At first, it seems completely unwatchable and stupid. The more views though, the easier it gets to handle. Jon Heder knows. He's been through a lot of breakups, mostly with the public over his 15 minutes of fame.

Jon Heder, pictured after one of his many breakups.

If you have an active imagination... I'm sorry. This stage won't be easy. You'll nearly drive yourself insane thinking of all the different reasons that she would break up with you. Did she cheat on me? If you aren't a compulsive Facebook stalker before this, you will be now. Every single boy that appeared with her in a picture ever becomes a suspect. Even the kindly old man sitting on the bench. Especially him. Never trust an old man. Despite how ridiculous your theories become, nothing is too outlandish in this stage. You have become the ultimate conspiracy theorist, collecting evidence everywhere you can till you can somehow shove it all together into the puzzle that it really is. Granted, it's a tumor shaped puzzle existing completely within the confines of your imagination, but it's still a puzzle.

Perhaps it's nothing she did though. Maybe it was you... Did she find out one of my embarrassing secrets that I've been hiding for so long? Did it disturb her so much that she wanted to breakup with me immediately? No... She found my ballet slippers hidden under my bed. I can't help that I want to dance! It's part of my being! It's in my soul! I'm sorry, please forgive me! The shoes don't make the man... Come back!

Curse your frail beauty!

This stage has been known to cause temporary blindness in certain subjects, due to sudden bouts of insanity. It's rough, but at least you've started to socialize again. Your friends get annoyed by you constantly spouting off nonsense, but they're glad that you've finally got out of bed again.

The song that best fits this stage is "Sail" by AWOLNATION. It doesn't make sense one teeny bit, even when you read the lyrics on their own. It seems like the thoughts of a completely insane person, which is quite appropriate for this stage. Since I'm assuming most of you have heard this song already though, I won't link the video. Instead, enjoy this cat jumping to the music. He understands your pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Awf45u6zrP0

3. WALL PUNCHING ANGER: Everyone is the worst.

This stage, while the shortest, has the biggest possibilities for utter destruction. When you reach this point, you've been sad for a long time, and now you are angry. You're so angry, you could break every single stupid thing in this stupid room. You send long, drawn out text messages full of angst. You break out your cutoff jeans and fool yourself into believing you actually look good in them. The more rebellious of you have possibly even done something crazier, like getting stick on tattoos of Batman. However, the worst case I have ever heard did the unthinkable. He cracked eggs and mixed them into his ramen, in a disturbing display of sadomasochism that I still cannot get out of my head to this day. 

Don't let his smile fool you. Underneath it, he hides the rage of a thousand honey badgers.

Now, your friends have likely gone from being annoyed with you to being completely terrified of walking within ten feet of you. Most people will give you a lot of space, if only because they saw what you did to that poor flower display outside the school's front door. The janitors cried for hours after viewing the damage.

The song for this stage is one called "Prayer of the Refugee" by noted punk activists Rise Against. Did they write this as a protest against sweatshops and seedy corporations using unpaid foreign workers? Yes. Am I taking it, completely warping the message of the song so that it fits a breakup? You bet your britches.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-SQGOYOjxs

4. SHAME FILLED REGRETS: This is my fault.

We've gone from intense sadness, to hysterical sadness, to hysterical anger, and now we arrive at a more realistic emotion. This is guilt. This is where you think back on your relationship, and realize all the things you did wrong. It sucks, but it's the truth. The breakup wasn't all your fault. There's a lot of crap you did that didn't help at all. 

There's not much else to say about this. You realize that you were a terrible person. You sit depressed for a few minutes. You pop in your favorite Hugh Grant movie (About a Boy!!!) and sit and watch. 

Here is Hugh Grant in Stage 4 of The 6 Stages of Realizing I Starred in Music and Lyrics.

This stage does the most for emotional healing. You begin to realize that you didn't get shafted in the relationship, you didn't get treated unfairly. You just acted entitled, and now you have to suffer along with Hugh Grant and Jon Heder.

The song for this stage is "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars. If you don't know who they are, shame on you, because they are just about the greatest thing happening to music right now. The song really captures the feeling of being done with a relationship, but still, more than anything, wishing you could go back and fix it. But, as the greatest actor of all-time, Michael Jordan, once said in his magnum opus Space Jam: You got a lot of... a lot of... well, whatever it is, you got a lot of it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-6EwdDiopQ

Preach it, Michael. Preach.

5. Reluctant Resolutions.

Here is where you finally get to the end. And you realize it's just life. It sucks. But it's life. And it can only get better from here.

Ladies and gentleman, I would like to leave you with one final song. It's one that I really feel captures the emotions of closure. This is a song that is very near and dear to my heart. It is, in this writer's humble opinion, one of the greatest ever written. If I could, I would sing it to all of you right now, if only to dry your tears and bring some happiness to this cold, dark world. However, I could not do it justice. No one can, aside from the original artist. So here it is, the song that I believe should end the grieving process of every breakup.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

Thanks for reading. Remember to be happy. Life is alright, when you really sit down and let yourself realize it.